Do you find yourself reaching for a drink, a snack, or your phone to distract yourself from stress, awkwardness, or boredom?
(For some of you today, it’s the leftover Halloween candy!)
It’s a common experience to want to reach for something, yet it can feel frustrating to later think, “I didn’t really want to do that. Why did I go for it anyway?”
As a developmental psychologist with over 4,000 hours of one-on-one coaching experience, I’ve seen this struggle in many high achievers. They’re often used to pushing through challenges with sheer willpower—attempting to “white-knuckle” their way through a sober month or set strict boundaries.
While these approaches can work temporarily, they rarely lead to lasting growth. Instead, there’s another way—a way that’s less about force and more about understanding what’s really going on in the moment.
The Shift: Meeting Feelings with Curiosity
At a recent networking event with open access to wine, I was reminded of what I would have done years ago. I would have felt the urge to reach for a glass of wine to ease the tension of meeting new people. Instead of reaching for a drink at this event, I tuned in to what I was feeling: awkwardness. I could hear my brain chattering away and complaining about why we were there. I named the feeling and allowed it to just be there, rather than trying to escape.
Takeaway: When you feel an urge, try to bring the emotion closer rather than pushing it away.
Action Steps to Manage Urges Differently
1. Pause and Name the Feeling
When you notice an urge, stop and ask yourself, “What am I feeling here? How do I know?”
Instead of avoiding or resisting, acknowledge the feeling—whether it’s awkwardness, boredom, stress, etc. It could just be “ick.” You don’t have to get fancy with descriptors or have a feelings wheel memorized.
2. Breathe and Allow the Feeling
Take a few deep breaths to calm your body and mind. Allow yourself to feel the emotion without trying to change it.
Recognize that the feeling is temporary and will naturally ease.
3. Choose to Soften into the Moment
Rather than acting on the urge, choose to be with the feeling. Ask, “What do I need right now?” Often, it’s a simple, soothing practice like breathing or grounding yourself.
Real Change Comes from Turning Toward Urges
Imagine using this process with other urges—reaching for your phone out of boredom, or snacking to avoid stress. Each time we turn toward the feeling rather than away from it, we build resilience and self-understanding. It’s not about battling urges with force, but rather asking, “What am I really feeling here?” With practice, this approach gives us the freedom to make conscious choices.
And that networking event I was at? Awkwardness went away and morphed into fun getting to know some new people. Alcohol wasn’t required to make that happen for me.
Feeling Alive Means Embracing the Full Range of Emotions
My clients want to feel alive, experiencing the full range of emotions—and that’s not easy at first. It takes patience and consistent practice. In many ways, I’m like a personal trainer for your brain and emotions, helping you build the resilience and awareness needed to navigate urges with compassion and clarity.
If you’re on this journey, I’d love to help you discover a new way of managing urges. Book a 1:1 call with me to explore how we can transform these patterns together.
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