Hi, my name is Caitlin Faas. I’m a developmental psychologist and if you’re new around here, you probably read my Sober App article about Bottled Emotions. Welcome!
I've been seeing a trend lately that I want to address: people using psychological terms against themselves without realizing it. As a coach who works with many helpers, doctors, professors, psychologists, and therapists, I've observed this pattern in various conversations.
Knowing psychological terms can be a powerful tool. It's beneficial to recognize patterns in yourself, like saying, "I have an insecure attachment," or "I tend to be anxious," or "I am conflict-avoidant." These terms can help us understand ourselves better and give us language to describe our experiences.
However, I've noticed that some people use these terms in a way that lacks emotion or compassion. They might say, "I have an insecure attachment," in a very clinical, detached manner, without any feeling or connection to what that means for them personally. It becomes just a label, a box to fit into, rather than a meaningful understanding of oneself.
Imagine if you were talking about a child you loved.
There would be emotion and compassion behind your words. You might say, "This child has an insecure attachment," with a sense of care, understanding that this is part of their experience and something to be nurtured, not just fixed.
Why not extend the same compassion to ourselves?
When we recognize aspects like insecure attachment or being conflict-avoidant, it's important to approach them with compassion. Acknowledge how these patterns show up in your life, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come with that acknowledgment. It's about being with and holding those parts of ourselves, rather than trying to "fix" them as if they are problems to be solved.
When we use psychological terms without compassion, we risk falling into a trap of self-criticism or emotional numbness. It doesn't lead to healthy growth or understanding. In fact, it often becomes a source of frustration or even aggravation. I've experienced this in myself, too—when I'm hard on myself or emotionally detached about my traits, it's a difficult and unproductive place to be.
So, if you find yourself using psychological terms to describe aspects of yourself—whether it's your attachment style, conflict avoidance, or anything else—pause and ask yourself:
Where is the compassion in this?
How can I encourage myself to feel and accept these parts of me as they are?
There's immense power in approaching ourselves with kindness and understanding. It allows us to work with these aspects of ourselves in a healthy, constructive way, rather than feeling trapped by them. So next time you use a psychological term about yourself, try adding a touch of compassion.
You might be surprised at the difference it makes.
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