My very first sub post I shared about my experience being groomed as a figure skater. Fortunately, my mother had good radar and picked up on it. I still got backlash from my mother choosing to not have me continue working with Bob Young, the skating coach started the Simsbury Figure Skating training center where Oksana Baul and other Olympians were drawn.
Nothing ever "happened" to me other than him weirdly placing his hand on the diamond cutout of my dress (I was 12/13) but here's the total lack of accountability for other young women (slightly older than I was when he started grooming me with compliments and those subtle touches at age 12/13)
Lookiing forward to the dialogue. Larry Nasser also comes to mind, but the enabling goes higher in nearly all cases of institutionally sanctioned sexual violence. In the case of Bob the skating coach, the coaches enabled him, which enabled him to violate the girls. In Nassers case the FBI also enabled from what I've peered into...they wanted to settle with Simone Bile along with a handful of other Gymnasts for their role in enabling his abuse to continue after it was reported. Then there are non-sports academic areas The case of Neil Degrasse Tyson just gets under my skin, not only because he likely ruined the life of a black female scientists but also the way he gaslights her by saying it must have been a false memory, or referencing her spiritual life as a though it disqualifies her from having been raped by him is so unbelievable. Jennifer Carson is an astrophysicist and professor of physics at Santa Monica College who wrote a great article on that in the LA times.
There are so many aspects to this one - I love that people are tackling this! One that comes up for me is how on board on the coaches/recruiters with holding abusers responsible - would they hold their top player as accountable as others? Are coaches held accountable for role modeling respect and for not engaging in sexual relationships with students while being their coach?
I don't know the answers to your questions, Alicia. And I'm glad you're asking them. We all have different ways to engage in talking about these topics. :)
Hi there - responding here instead of on a thread, both because notes get hard to see all the responses, and because I'm hoping that Kristy will at least see this. I felt the heart quality in your reflection on why you were unsure about if you felt okay to talk about these tricky issues openly with me. You wrote: Listening and reflecting with curiosity. I think part of the issue is how we all navigate internet conversations. Like I’ve been getting to know you through your writings and notes now, Alicia. And I feel safe to write and dialogue with you now. When you first commented on my post, I wasn’t sure on your intentions. And in anyone’s comments, it can be hard to hear the tone. So how do we show up for each other online when we’re just getting to know each other?
So my first thought it is, yeah, the internet is a scary place, these days especially. I have been trolled, sexually harassed/stalked, censored and on and on. I have discovered that most people who speak up for a lot of things I've discovered have at least some truth to them, are what can be described as in the spirit of Vladimir Lenin when he shared his tactic for getting ahead of the opposition by leading it. Then there are the actual communications themselves - how can we feel each other's hearts as well as express our ideas clearly? How can we know what tender areas we each bring? What assumptions that may not be obvious? What biases do we bring to the issues and what emotional charges do we have, and especially where some may have had to "preen" to adapt/survive in this particular area, it can seem like the predator is safer than the victim or the one calling out the predator. So it's complex.
My first thought was that I felt honored that you shared so openly and honestly about a vulnerable process. My second was an emotional reaction of, "But how, I was the victim and I was sharing indisputable facts and I was in your space. This is clearly a case where the exact dynamics I am trying to shine light on are influencing this in weird ways...or something I may not be aware of is coming into play." I needed to take a few days to chill myself out and be able to come and talk about it.
For me, in general, I assume goodwill unless I get a spidy feeling, but I also tend to offer a bit of a test to see...are these people thinking for themselves or are they co-opted by scripts someone else handed them that they are not engaging with as sovereign soulful expressions of the one source?
Such an important topic.
Thanks for commenting, Alicia!
My very first sub post I shared about my experience being groomed as a figure skater. Fortunately, my mother had good radar and picked up on it. I still got backlash from my mother choosing to not have me continue working with Bob Young, the skating coach started the Simsbury Figure Skating training center where Oksana Baul and other Olympians were drawn.
Nothing ever "happened" to me other than him weirdly placing his hand on the diamond cutout of my dress (I was 12/13) but here's the total lack of accountability for other young women (slightly older than I was when he started grooming me with compliments and those subtle touches at age 12/13)
https://www.newstimes.com/news/article/Police-close-criminal-investigation-of-former-51286.php
Last I heard, Bob was working as a photographer specializing in young girls.
Acknowledging your experience, Alicia. <3
Lookiing forward to the dialogue. Larry Nasser also comes to mind, but the enabling goes higher in nearly all cases of institutionally sanctioned sexual violence. In the case of Bob the skating coach, the coaches enabled him, which enabled him to violate the girls. In Nassers case the FBI also enabled from what I've peered into...they wanted to settle with Simone Bile along with a handful of other Gymnasts for their role in enabling his abuse to continue after it was reported. Then there are non-sports academic areas The case of Neil Degrasse Tyson just gets under my skin, not only because he likely ruined the life of a black female scientists but also the way he gaslights her by saying it must have been a false memory, or referencing her spiritual life as a though it disqualifies her from having been raped by him is so unbelievable. Jennifer Carson is an astrophysicist and professor of physics at Santa Monica College who wrote a great article on that in the LA times.
There are so many aspects to this one - I love that people are tackling this! One that comes up for me is how on board on the coaches/recruiters with holding abusers responsible - would they hold their top player as accountable as others? Are coaches held accountable for role modeling respect and for not engaging in sexual relationships with students while being their coach?
Hi Alicia! Great questions and thanks for engaging. Happy to connect with you offline - feel free to contact me through my website!
Hmmmm....if we can't have this conversation here, I'm not sure I want to spend the energy having it!
I don't know the answers to your questions, Alicia. And I'm glad you're asking them. We all have different ways to engage in talking about these topics. :)
Hi there - responding here instead of on a thread, both because notes get hard to see all the responses, and because I'm hoping that Kristy will at least see this. I felt the heart quality in your reflection on why you were unsure about if you felt okay to talk about these tricky issues openly with me. You wrote: Listening and reflecting with curiosity. I think part of the issue is how we all navigate internet conversations. Like I’ve been getting to know you through your writings and notes now, Alicia. And I feel safe to write and dialogue with you now. When you first commented on my post, I wasn’t sure on your intentions. And in anyone’s comments, it can be hard to hear the tone. So how do we show up for each other online when we’re just getting to know each other?
So my first thought it is, yeah, the internet is a scary place, these days especially. I have been trolled, sexually harassed/stalked, censored and on and on. I have discovered that most people who speak up for a lot of things I've discovered have at least some truth to them, are what can be described as in the spirit of Vladimir Lenin when he shared his tactic for getting ahead of the opposition by leading it. Then there are the actual communications themselves - how can we feel each other's hearts as well as express our ideas clearly? How can we know what tender areas we each bring? What assumptions that may not be obvious? What biases do we bring to the issues and what emotional charges do we have, and especially where some may have had to "preen" to adapt/survive in this particular area, it can seem like the predator is safer than the victim or the one calling out the predator. So it's complex.
My first thought was that I felt honored that you shared so openly and honestly about a vulnerable process. My second was an emotional reaction of, "But how, I was the victim and I was sharing indisputable facts and I was in your space. This is clearly a case where the exact dynamics I am trying to shine light on are influencing this in weird ways...or something I may not be aware of is coming into play." I needed to take a few days to chill myself out and be able to come and talk about it.
For me, in general, I assume goodwill unless I get a spidy feeling, but I also tend to offer a bit of a test to see...are these people thinking for themselves or are they co-opted by scripts someone else handed them that they are not engaging with as sovereign soulful expressions of the one source?